The past two weeks have been utter misery. Of course, at the start of it all, I looked forward to a change of scenery. I wanted to go somewhere I couldn’t be bothered. But all of that proved quite the contrary; I’ve wanted to leave ever since I got here. I can’t stand the dull mornings and even duller afternoons. I dislike so many things here and I am simply not used to the lifestyle here – to the point where I’ve been looking forward to leaving.
And I am tomorrow. I tell myself thank goodness. No more waking up at 8AM and sleeping at 10PM. I won’t have to listen to silence for the majority of my day. However, at the same time, family keeps me here. I want to leave, I know I do. But I almost feel as if I can’t. I can feel the sadness surrounding my family about me leaving again. My grandparents can’t stand it, especially at their old age, both suffering from different illnesses. I don’t want to think about their ailments because thinking about it is a tear-jerker. I hated that conversation with my grandma today because it simply meant, whether I come back in a year or two, she might not be here anymore. That sudden realization that this might be the last time I ever see her struck me hard. She might be gone in less than a year and the soonest time I can come back is, well, in a year; quite frankly, that seems to soon to even start thinking about. Because, within that time frame, I might receive that somber phone call from my mother. I will hear the cries and I will cry. It’s simple emotion. I might not hear that voice anymore. And how can I even think about returning to the old house without her? My grandpa might fail even earlier without my grandma. And my family, all of whom are too generous with their small fortunes, show their love in discrete ways. I despise this. I want to leave but I don’t know when I’ll be back, and who will be here next time I come. Maybe no one will be left and I might as well say goodbye to them all, in the living room, right now.
These feelings are tough. I’m excited to go back for college and to see my friends. There are so many things I long to do. I just have to leave here first, leave the family members who raised me through four years, to the person I am now. Therefore, it’s an arduous task waving my hand and turning my back, regardless of how much I dislike the lifestyle here. In the end, I have to leave. It’s a fact – obviously known and said. So, goodbye, Shanghai. I can only hope that you’ll be here, intact, the next time I come.