Dear amazing student #52,905
The flabby envelope you received is not a lie. You have been rejected. I will begin pitying you by stating we received a record number of applicants this year – something we claim every year. Of course, making a decision on your application has been incredibly difficult. We have clear-cut standards of 90 averages, along with a minimum of 1900 on the SATs, which truly made rejecting your 85 average and 1600 SAT score extremely difficult. However, please be aware that we carefully reviewed every aspect of your application, because we truly love reading thousands of essays. We have considered every bit of information that, perhaps, could offer you admission, including your ethnicity.
We appreciate your talents, and we believe you can take it somewhere else, like “South Beach Miami.” You are truly a unique student, with gifts we sincerely wish we could accept, but could not. Regardless, I believe you would have been a great fit in our university, and, therefore, cannot accept you. If you are still interested in enrolling for a future semester, I highly recommend that you transfer, even though we will still have your disparaging high school records. As a matter of fact, we suggest you attend a community college, where you can “harness” your talents, and garner credits at a good rate.
I am extremely sorry that we cannot accept a qualified student like you, because if you’re qualified, we cannot take you. All admission decisions reflect an extremely keen review of your application; please do not contact us for an appeals process, because if we wanted you, we would have said so. I sincerely hope you succeed in your future endeavors, but we doubt it since our university is the best.
John Smith, the person who probably didn’t even review your application.