Disclaimer: This is for the sole purpose of entertainment; by no means am I outright advocating these tactics. Only an idiot would follow this, and if he can’t sense the sarcasm, he shouldn’t be reading this.
High school is where it all begins. Here is when your numbers begin to matter, and it sticks to you for an extremely long time. Yet, many people don’t know the secret formula for success. So how do you do well in high school and receive entrance to a good college? Look no further.
1) . ATTEND A PRESTIGIOUS HIGH SCHOOL. By ensuring your matriculation into a well-known and respected high school, you have secured an advantage over thousands of other just as hard working students. Colleges often view these schools as bastions of erudition. For example, in New York City, specialized high schools are considered the Harvards of secondary education. You will be starting with a +5 average advantage over other prospective students! Essentially, before you even step into your first class, you will have a 5/100.
2) JOIN CLUBS AND DO EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES. Yeah, we hear this all the time. HOWEVER, you must realize that not only joining these clubs is good enough. You must become at least a treasurer; being president would be even better. If you cannot attain such a high status due to your incompetence, that’s okay too. Just say you’re the president of the “Honor” Society, or captain of the Varsity Basketball team; just make sure the real president is not applying to the same school you are.
3) TAKE AS MANY “ADVANCED PLACEMENT” COURSES AS POSSIBLE. Colleges don’t want to see chemistry. They want to see AP Chemistry. Putting two little letters in front of the course allows you free reign over the other little ants who only took regular classes; you can be Goliath. Once again, this will secure you at least, depending on how many advanced placement classes you’ve taken, an extra ten points on your average. If you have followed the first step, you will be essentially starting high school with a 15/100 average. Remember, this number increases with the amount of AP classes you have taken, so take more!
4) GET TO KNOW YOUR TEACHERS. Knowing your teachers is extremely important. Sure, there are always the assholes, but you’ll have to suck it up. Greeting them in the hallway, and saying bye after class goes a long way. Just by simple admiration, a teacher can, and most likely will, increase your GPA by an average of 3-5 points, which brings your total starting point in high school to a potential 20/100, or more.
5) DO NOT BE BORN ASIAN OR WHITE. Okay, so we can’t control this one. If you’re born Asian or Caucasian, subtract 10 points off your average. Colleges are over-flooded with these types of ethnicities, and they DO NOT WANT YOU.
6) TAKE STANDARDIZED TESTS. Every high schooler should be taking these tests. However, what’s extremely important is the amount of times you will be taking these tests. To ensure the best results, take these exams AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. This shows that you’re willing to kill a Saturday morning in order to take a pointless 3-4 hour test. Also do not forget to take subject tests! It is okay to score low on these tests, as long as you take more of them, because it shows that you are a versatile student, and you are willing to take on the challenge of multiple subjects.
If you have carefully followed these steps, I guarantee that you will be reserved a spot in one of the most prestigious universities in America, such as Harvard, Swarthmore, and Columbia. Just don’t forget to leave me some props.